The fear of failure and being perceived is ruining my life, so this is my first post.
Tackling my insecurities impulsively during my lunch break.
If you look at my Substack, you’ll see that I introduced Dynamic Characters back in July, yet I haven't posted anything since. It wasn’t because I was busy or didn’t have any ideas or anything of the sort (proven by the 18 drafts I have in my dashboard).
Here’s the thing: I wanted my first post to be perfect. A well-thought-out, valuable, insightful piece of writing. I wanted to do research; I wanted to sound smart and like someone who deserved to write alongside all the amazing writers on this platform.
Unfortunately, this perfectionist mindset is also how I’ve approached every other creative project I’ve tried, and the result is always the same. It fails, but in the way that it never gets developed enough to even have a chance to fail or succeed.
I want to be a writer, and I want to eventually become an author, so when I found out about this platform during the summer, I took it as some sort of sign. I did everything to set up Dynamic Characters, and I was excited. I chose the name, made logos, and brainstormed post ideas. However, when I got to the writing and posting part, I self-sabotaged. I didn’t know what to say, well actually, I did know what to say, I just didn’t think it was good enough.
So, I procrastinated and kept adding new drafts to my dashboard while never actually finishing any of them. July turned into August. I returned to college, and suddenly, it became November. Last week, I started questioning whether this Substack was just going to go into the evergrowing pile of my unfinished creative pursuits.
In truth, I don’t know what happened or what clicked. Maybe it was one of the tarot readings I got on my TikTok fyp encouraging me to finish the things I start, or maybe it was just the subconscious desire not to let another dream fade away.
I decided to post today.
A post so spontaneous and stupid with no actual train of thought. A post I’m currently rushing to finish up before my lunch break at work ends. A post I’ll publish and be too stressed out to even look at. A post no one will probably read.
But a post nonetheless.
A post that’ll, hopefully, take some of the fear away. A post that will help me accept failure. A post that will make me be perceived (ish).
In a perfect world, I would say this is the start of a consistent writing and publishing schedule and that the self-sabotage and procrastination will disappear. In truth, old habits die hard.
But for now, I’m proud of myself. Because I’ve officially published my first official post of my own Substack. :)